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Academic and Business Writing: Journal 2

This is the week 2 assignment to write Business e-mail and change its formality and tone in 2nd and 3rd pieces. It is difficult to change formality and tone due to my poor English vocabulary. And it may affect to increase difficulty by the cultural difference between English Speaking countries and Japan.

To change formality and tone are not easy task to do with limited vocabulary, but I found this chalenging activity is very useful to develop all kind of writing even as in another language.  Becasue I was not so conscious to create tone in my writing in Japanese. I believe that most of native speakers who are not used to write, they are unconscious about it. 

Original writing

Dear Karen,

Hi, I am Nomad Baobao who are working for Japanese Market in Customer Service Department. If you remember me, we have met in our cafeteria once and have talked about Indian music.

By the way, I have an important meeting for an hour on this Wednesday, 13 May, but my office does not meet to the condition for it. I have heard from our dear colleague Yasmin that your office can meet a requirement of it and she suggest me to ask you a favor. Would you mind lending me your office only for an hour on Wednesday, 13 May? This meeting may determine our conversion rate of this year whether it will increase or decrease. I would be grateful if it is possible to borrow your office for the meeting.

Best Regards, 
Nomad Bao Bao

Change the formality of the original

Hi Karen,

It was a nice team gathering with your team last week and I didn’t expect that you are interested in Indian music as same as I am. It was a lot of fun to talk with you about Indian music in detail.

By the way, I have an very important meeting on this Wednesday, 13 May, which may determine our conversion rate of this year. Can I borrow your office for this meeting? Of course, I will really appreciate if you can do it. It will save me not to think always about this matter. And I will be ready to pay your next lunch in your favorite restaurant.

Thank you,
Nomad Baobao

Change the tone of the original

Dear Ms. Yadav,

In the past, we had many disagreements, thus I understood that you are not willing to cooperate me, but if it is possible for you to think about our company’s future, you know that this meeting is very significant. I have told you how important this meeting is. The meeting result will affect critically to our conversion rate of this year, even our credit of existing customer as well. This meeting is not for me but for our company to have chance to develop and not to lose credit of existing customer.

If you could consider this fact above again, I believe that you are willing to lend me your office for the meeting on Wednesday, 13 May. Please let me know your final answer by Tuesday morning, 12 May. Because it is maximum time which I can wait for your response before arrangement of the meeting.

I will appreciate if you would reconsider and send me your answer by the time above.

Best Regards,
Nomad Baobao